March 19, 2019
“I’ve been fighting with one arm behind my back. What happens when I’m finally set free?” – Carol Danvers, Captain Marvel (2019)
If there is one thing I have learned from this process of taking care of your mental health is that there are no shortcuts.
I did it.
On March 9th I finally went to a movie theater after nearly five years. Now, I know that some of you may not think that is anything to note, but to me, it is a major thing. For nearly half a decade, even the thought of going near a theater was terrifying. So many thoughts would run through my head and I would feel trapped and my anxiety would skyrocket.
This was for many reasons, but mostly I would spiral into my thoughts and think something horrible would happen. However, I had a bit of a carrot on a stick. As many of you know I am a massive Marvel fan and of course, the amazingly good Captain Marvel (2019) was released on the 8th and guys, IT’S SO GOOD.
Carol Danvers is now my second favourite hero, right below Tony, and all is good in the world. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend the film, especially if you are an MCU fan like myself.
I was a bit nervous that morning when I got up to go see it. I took my anti-anxiety medication and it did help a lot so I will be doing that in the future. I was sort of all over the place from the time I left my house till about halfway through the film. Then, once I had settled in, I had calmed down and really enjoyed watching the movie.
Afterward, I was in the best mood. I was extremely tired, but I felt so good. I had conquered one of my biggest fears and I hadn’t felt like that in so long. It’s the smallest things that are the biggest for me. Or should I say the simplest things? Because for many people, going to see a movie is no big deal. However, if you struggle with severe anxiety and/or paranoia, it can be one of the most difficult things, but I did it and I couldn’t be more proud of myself.
Now let’s see if I’ll survive Avengers: End Game (2019) because we all know that the world isn’t going to be the same after that one… yikes.
That was one weekend. The next one was way more relaxed.
I went to Anaheim for five days and it was great! I love Disneyland and while I didn’t go on Indiana Jones this time (85-minute wait), I still had an amazing time. Now that I’m 21, I can do all sorts of stuff. There is currently a Food and Wine festival going on so that was fun! My mom and I were exhausted by the end of the trip, but it was so worth it.
We had a bit of a scare at the start because my grandparents thought my cat had gotten out, but she was fine in the end. She’s currently curled up with Ghost in front of me. It was strange to be away from my dog for so long, but I think we both needed a break from each other, you know? We’re both anxious most of the time. I got the one dog with anxiety and separation issues to be my service dog, go figure, but I love him with everything I have. I really need to do an update on that furball.
Okay, back to Disney.
It wasn’t as busy as I first thought it would be, but it was still pretty crowded. I managed to go out by myself a couple of times for small things and I’d call that a win. Even if it was just down to the lobby to get ice cream. I did get quite anxious on Friday while I was at the park and then a few times while we were in the hotel room, but nothing too bad. I am not even sure what triggered it, but I never really do, to be honest. That is something I am going to have to figure out.
On the downside, I did get sunburned, but nothing a little Aloe can’t fix, right?
As for my mental health, well my meds are working. I had my follow up appointment this morning and so far my depression has gotten better, but my anxiety remains the same. My Doc was happy with how I was progressing and I got some more refills and I’ll be going back in April to see if I need my dosage changed. It’s a process, but one I am willing to go through.
The next step? Therapy.
That is something that I am definitely dreading, but I know I have to do it. I am going to be starting that in April. I will be updating on here about that as well. At least my brain fog has lifted and I can focus on writing again. I can’t tell you how much I struggled even writing a few sentences before I would nearly doze off in my chair or just stare at the wall because I couldn’t keep my brain on a single track.
I feel like this post is all over the place, but my last one was so serious, you know? I just felt like getting a few things down and sharing some photos.
Oh, and I am coloring my hair tomorrow so stay tuned for that…
I hope your week is great!
Thanks for reading!