August 22, 2016
California dreamin’? I think not.
There are many reasons why one would love to visit or live in the Golden State. There are beaches, warm weather, sunshine, Hollywood, Disneyland, and a bunch of those lovely palm trees. At least that is the reason I was excited to move when I was ten years old. Although, now I am not seeing those beautiful beaches or glittering sunshine, I am seeing a dead end.
I have lived in California for about nine years and I feel as if my life is going nowhere. I am currently up north in the Pacific Northwest and I have forgotten how much I loved it here. The forests that stretch for miles and the constant cloud cover is glorious. I look out and see eagles and deer and I suddenly feel calmer. The mountains are topped with snow and it is just heavenly. Sometimes I feel sort of guilty in a sense, that I want to leave my mother and sister and move on. Yet, I am nineteen years old and I have done nothing with my life. I only planned to defer for a year of school, but my anxiety has gotten worse and I don’t think I would be able to go into an institution and learn. I hate it.
California has offered me so much when it comes to dance and friendship. I have met two people, Kira and Melissa, who are basically my sisters. They are the strongest girls I have ever met in my life and I would do anything for them. Yet, Kira has gotten married and moved to Texas and Mel loves the desert, I however, am stuck. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, do I stay or should I go. Yes, I have just made a song reference and no I don’t care. I want to be a writer, that much is clear, but writing books isn’t easy and I don’t care what people think. IT IS SO HARD TO CREATE A NEW WORLD.
I have about four or five half finished chapters and they are not going anywhere. That seems to be my life motto lately. NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I wish I could just leave for a bit, you know? I want to stay here, in Washington, I don’t want to go back, but I have to. There is a novelty to living in California and I guess that if you live in a major city like Los Angeles or San Fran, it will be great, but living inland and not doing anything is just awful. I know what you’re thinking, “Why don’t you just move to the coast?” Well, because it’s too busy for me. I love quiet living. Yes, at times, I would like to visit the city or go into parks and stuff like that. Yet I would also love to just sit on my back deck, stare out at the mountains topped with snow, drink my coffee, and read all my books. If I were to ever own my own house, I would get one with an extra bedroom just for my books. A home library is the dream.
I also see a lot more prospect in the PNW rather than in California. I see hope and growth rather than the dry fields of California. The drought has dried up more than just our crops, it is drying up our people. I miss seasons, I miss rain, I miss snow and how over night a field can go from a warm brown to a white canvas. I like the silence that you can experience when you go into a forest. I love seeing glimpses of deer and wolves in the distance trees or the hoot of a barn owl not far from your home balcony. There is life wherever you look and whether it is human or beast, it is beautiful.
One day I am going to leave the barren wasteland of California and return to the evergreens and killer whales and when I do, I will be home.