July 17, 2016
It’s really early.
It’s 1:20 am and I am not sleeping. I have been having this issue for some time now and no matter how early I head to bed or how much sleep I get, I cannot SLEEP! I know that too much sleep can be a bad thing just as too little can be, but it’s like the universe doesn’t want me to sleep at night. I think I am secretly becoming nocturnal…whoops.
I think it was different when I was in school because I was out doing things everyday and then I danced until nine at night. Yet, now all I seem to do is go online and play with my cat and as of Friday, I am out of a job. As many of you know I was a dance teacher and now that has ended. I wasn’t asked back for this coming season due to many different circumstances. I didn’t do anything wrong, I promise, but it still sucks, you know? My studio was my home and now I don’t have that anymore. I think that is also a reason I haven’t been sleeping…
If you didn’t know already, I suffer with anxiety and as of late it has gotten quite bad. I haven’t been able to leave my house in about a month now and it is worrying me. Everyone I know keeps telling me I need to go see someone, but it isn’t that easy to just start opening up about these things. I know that one day I will be able to do it, just not right now.
I’m currently listening to My Chemical Romance and it makes me feel like I’m thirteen again on MySpace while experimenting with black eyeliner…wow do you remember those days? Were you like that? I was…yikes. Welcome to the Black Parade just came on. My mom and I are planning a road trip and even though I am somewhat petrified, I am really exciting to get out of California even for a little while. It’s quite a long drive, but I think it will be fun.
I won’t lie and say that I was okay with becoming unemployed, because I wasn’t. I cried, like really cried. I ended up downing a considerable amount of alcohol which I DO NOT RECOMMEND when you are upset, please don’t. For one, you’ll feel like crap afterwards. I ended up just sleeping afterwards. My job was like a second home and now I’m not really sure how another one will work out. To be honest, I don’t even know if I want to dance anymore.
How sad is that? I was all about dance and theater and now I just get depressed thinking about it. Maybe I have hit rock bottom…
Anyways, I think I’ll try and get some sleep it is now 1:34 am, so goodnight, or good morning I guess.