“Brown is warm. I miss brown…” – Isabella Swan [Stephenie Meyer, Twilight]
June 27, 2016
I guess it’s more of the opposite in my case, Bella.
I am having a bit of homesickness today and it hasn’t happened in a while. If you don’t know I grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and when I was about eleven I moved to Southern California and at the time I thought it was great, but now…not so much.
I’ve talked about this before in other posts and my feelings are slowly becoming more frequent. Today is overcast, but it’s due to the intense heat and humidity not the promise of a rainstorm. I would love to take my tea and the book I’m currently loving and sit outside and listen to the rain and breathe in the cool air but I can’t. Can you imagine growing up as a child and always seeing snow-capped mountains and bright green forests, then moving to a barren wasteland? It sucks. I used to think California was going to be paradise, you know? I thought I would be going swimming every day or hitting the beach and I would see famous people and learn to surf…but not everywhere is like Los Angeles. As a ten year old…that was the fantasy.
Now I look at my old friends posting these gorgeous photos of them hiking and swimming in the sound and posting shots of orcas and wildlife and it hurts. It physically hurts that I cannot be there with them enjoying the outdoors. Sure we get winter…for like a month. Then El Nino was around pelting us in rain for a few months, but it’s not the same.
My mom tells me I am happier here in Cali because a lot of depression is linked to “dreary weather” when that isn’t true, at least not for me. When it rains, I feel happier and more at ease. I don’t feel anxious and my depression diminishes for a while. When you suffer with anxiety you know that when you discover that one thing that makes you feel normal and full of life, you hold on to that. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I can’t leave my house half the time. I haven’t been out of my house since the first week of June…
I have slipped back into my depression and nothing is helping. Then with this whole thing with my lungs crapping out on me, I can’t even take deep breaths to calm down. Add the homesickness and I am a total wreck.
Can I even call it homesickness? I have lived here almost as long as I had lived there, yet when people ask where I am from I always say Washington, not California. Even though I had developed more as a person in Cali, I was born and raised in the rain filled PNW and that will always be my home.
My last post was a bit of a debby downer too, sorry about that. Well, no I’m not. I have said this many a times, but this is my outlet for me to express my thoughts, hence the title, and I will do just that.
This blog isn’t exactly popular, but to me it is very special and for those who continue to read my words, I hope I have been able to share a bit of myself with you.
Do you have any tips on how to battle homesickness? Let me know!